A Story of Faith (by Mike)

I am a man blessed beyond any other!!! As I write these words, I realize they will be read by many people, some who know my past and wonder how I could ever possibly marry again, after a life with Amy, and some who don’t know me at all, but know Emily, and wonder what man could ever possibly be worthy of her. I don’t know the answer to either of those questions. I just know this is where God has brought me and I am amazed. This is our story. It is a story of faith—two people seeking God, not a relationship, and yet, by His hand, finding not only Him, but each other. I was a very happily married man, but God, in His sovereign plan, chose to take my first wife, Amy, after a lengthy battle with brain cancer, 8 months after He had chosen to take my oldest daughter, also named Emily, suddenly, following unexpected complications from lung surgery. My daughter had been my hero, my wife had been my heart. I was left to rebuild life as a single parent and a PhD student. I came to know Emily first through Amy’s involvement in the church choir, then through her teaching my daughter Abbie in the 3rd grade, and finally as we began to work with the singles group at our church. We were all quickly impressed by the light of her smile and the joy of her heart. She became a frequent guest in our home and a dear friend of the entire family. As we neared the time of Amy’s death, Emily ministered faithfully to us, attentive to the various needs we faced. Before she died, Amy shared with me what God had laid on her heart: “that she did not need to be afraid, Abbie would be okay, Mike and Emily would take care of her.” I knew Emily was an incredible woman and, if God was taking Amy from me, I hoped He would give to me someone like Emily, although I never really thought that I had much of a chance with her. As I faced the prospect of once more being single, I wondered and feared, “Who would I be? Would I ever remarry? Do I really have to do this dating thing again?!” As I thought back through my life, I realized that God had clearly arranged my first marriage. If I was to get remarried, I wanted Him to arrange my second. I didn’t want to go looking for a wife, much less to be set up! I figured if God wanted me to remarry, He would bring that woman into my life (not realizing, of course, that He already had). I wanted to know that woman well before the issue of a relationship was even considered so that I might know the character of her life. I wanted to be her friend, and only her friend, before there was talk of marriage and the awkward and sometimes deceptive attempts at trying to impress. I wanted to know this woman in all of her strengths, weaknesses, and unique quirks, to love her for each of these things, and to be known and loved by her in the same way. I wanted a woman who was what I hoped my daughter would grow to be, a woman who would both follow me as I sought God, but also challenge me in what I might become. Following Amy’s death, I came to realize that Emily was everything I sought. In fact, as I thought of all that God had done and appeared to be doing, I believed, even if I fell flat on my face, I would be disobedient to God if I didn’t at least try to win her heart. I have always felt that it is for the man to pursue the woman and not vice versa, because what a man does not work to obtain, he fails to cherish. I have also felt that it is for the man to reveal his heart in complete openness and honesty and not for the woman to do so until she has come to a sense of peace about the relationship, until she has come to believe that this relationship is safe. And so I did. I began to share my heart with her. I told her that I didn’t know what the grieving process entailed, or how long it would take, or what it would mean for me, but if somehow she would ever consider me, when the time was right, I hoped to gain her permission to pursue her heart and her hand in marriage. And then, I immediately told her all of the reasons why she should say no. She certainly didn’t say yes, but neither did she say no. In the coming weeks and months, we both sought the counsel of family and friends about this potential relationship. Yet, due to Emily’s ministry and the need to protect my daughter’s emotions, we kept the discussion limited and the relationship quiet. Of course, there were questions: Is he okay? What about the grieving process? Is his motivation right? Is this just an emotional situation where the goodness and love of one heart filled the void in another? I know that the grieving process is different in each circumstance for each one involved. I do not share these words as judgment upon anyone, but only to describe what I have done and experienced in the hope that perhaps they may be an encouragement to someone else. I chose from the beginning to face my grief aggressively. As I reflected on biblical examples and thought of the needs of my daughter, I knew that I had to be open and honest about my feelings, expressing them freely, and to work diligently to rebuild my life, finding a new sense of “normal.” Fortunately, I have had the counsel of those who have also shared in this experience and the awesome support of a loving church family and friends. At each step along the way, I have shared with Emily my thoughts, my feelings, and tears. I did not want her to be blind-sided by unresolved grief. I wanted us to be free to build a relationship together without the baggage of the past. She has been, as those who know her well would fully expect, a very loving and supportive encouragement throughout the experience. In the past several months we have shared our hearts, our dreams, our fears, first just in phone conversations, emails, and small group settings, then in quiet encounters in public places (a day in Duke Garden, a bike ride, the wedding of a friend...). We have shared in ministry as well (choir, worship band, trips to the nursing home) and in the study of Scripture. At each point we have stopped to ask what many of you may be thinking: “Who is this person God has brought into my life? Is this relationship the work of His hand?” So, who is this woman I’ve come to know and why do I love her so much? I once compiled a list of over 50 items. (I could add far more now, but it’s best if I share just the most important.) I love Emily because she reflects the glory of God in her joyful smile and loving heart and zest for life. I love her for her breath-taking and unfading beauty. While so many would merely paint the shell, she has cultivated the beauty of her heart so that it bursts forth in radiance from her face and I am overwhelmed. I love her because she expresses outwardly the passion that I feel inwardly. I love her for the encouragement she gives to me and for the calm logic I can give to her. I love her for her tender love and determination to see the best in people. I love her because she can babysit 4 young kids for a week and consider it a wonderful vacation! I love her because she talks so much and so expressively. (I’m a quiet man who loves to listen and I miss her voice when she is gone.) I love her because, even if she is far more organized than me and diligent to accomplish the tasks before her, she looks to me to be the leader of our home and respects me for the gifts God has given me. I love her because I believe God has brought her into my life. Having been married before, I have a much better understanding of love than when my first bride walked down the aisle. God has brought an amazing woman into my life and I long to express my love to her, to cherish her as my most treasured relationship in this world. I know the importance of keeping our hearts tender toward each other, of not allowing the stresses of life to harden our hearts, and so, I have determined to gaze daily into her eyes so that she might see all that is in my heart. (She has the incredible ability to read me like a book. Why hide anything?) In all of this, I have chosen to trust God and He has been faithful, even though at times I did not understand where He was leading me, or why. In many respects He has taken me through the valley of the shadow of death and now I find myself climbing out into the bright sunshine. I do not regret any of this. For even in the pain, it was God and He has done so much! And now, He has brought a most amazing joy into my life! I look forward to the day when you can celebrate this joy with us. I pray that you too have come to know, or will come to know, the God Who loves you so much!! And that one day, I might hear your story.